Currently Playing Echo By Trapt see related

So, it couldn't have been any longer since I last wrote.  If maybe my computer at my house was working I wouldn't have such a problem getting on here every now and then!  I'm surprised they still have my subscription still up.

Well..... since almost a year has gone by and I haven't writen I'll give you the low down.  I have my own house in Plainfield, Pa (which it is exactly that).  My roommates are Adam and Cerisa.  My boyfriend's name is Chad... who I love with all of my heart and soul. We have been together for 6 months now.  I'm finally 21, my car is falling apart, i'm graduating from school here pretty soon, i'm a bartender FINALLY at YP, yes I am still there and well i'm about to have my entire world flipped upide down when Chad goes to jail.   That is just a LOOOOOOOOOONG ass story which breaks my heart to tell, but let me tell you one thing..... I love him, he is the best thing to happen to me ever and nothing will ever change that.  Jist on why chad is going to jail........ car accident in December.  He and his bestfriend Mike (whom got us together and was one of the most wonderful people i have ever met) were driving home from the bar.  Wet and Cold roads make for slippery conditions, plus a little bit of intoxication and Chad wrapped his car around a tree and Mike did not make it.  Chad is devestated and based on the wonderful tactics/ lawmaking by our criminal justice system and the fact that Mike's parents and brother are hypocrytical lying assholes... Chad will probably be faced with 1-5 years in jail.  (i'm sorry for the comment about mikes family... i'm not being unsympathetic you would just have to understand the situation and i'm NOT getting into it on here...).  I miss mike everyday.  I was giving him voice lessons before he passed away... he was so talanted when it came to the guitar (notice the switch in talant.... singing wasn't his strong point, but have to give him credit for making a valent effort).  Anyway... shout out to Michael... love you sweetie and miss ya always!!

Okay back to positive, because if i have to sit and thing about anything more negitive i'll explode..... Things are definately NOT good right now, but for the fear that the wrong people will read this... i will not complain.  I'm trying to do the best with what I have and it just doesn't seem to be working.  Oh well.... everyday is an experience, and i'm just trying to have all that I can before life gets even harder. 

I can't wait for May.

So it's 4 am and I can't sleep.  I'm going nuts.  There is so much going on rightt now it's hard to handlle it all.  For the first time though it's hard to deal with because there is so much good stuff.  I almost feel like i'm being self-centered when i say that, but I know that I've waited a long time for good thiings to come.  To get into it all would take me a year, but i'm loosing weight (in a good healthy way), having fun with my friends, enjoying my job, and just the fact it's summer makes everything better.  Things with the familyy are going very well too.  I don't really know what else to say is that i'm happy, and i'm happy because of what i'm doing, and not how someone else is making me feel content witth life.  I lived for a long time believing that it took others to make me happy (i.e. having a boyfriend), but what I have come to see is that the only way you can be truely peaceful and well happy with yourself is to be YOURSELF.  Wow, it's hard to imagine this coming from me.  Oh well.... anyway... going to bed now.  I gotta get up early for physical therapy!

Side bar bitching:  I HATE YOUR PLACE!!!  ok kidding, but seriously... i worked 11 hours today with ONE 10 minute break.  On top of that the district manager was there ALLLLLLLLLLLLL DAY!!  he likes to yell at EVERYONE!!  but.... i made killer money (yay)

Yea okay... so i'm not the best at keeping this thing up.  Well, there is way to much that has happend to fill in the blanks from January (my last entry).  All i can say for now is maybe i'll make more of an effort to write in this thing.  I read everyone else's, but never manage to write on my own site.  OH... by the way.. while reading this at any point the letters in tthe words doublle it's just I didn't feel like back spacing and deleting.. MY KEYBOARD IS BUSTED thanks to a tall blonde I happen to live with (nat!). 

Anyway, it's the beginning of summer and I know this is going to be the best ever!.  I finally found a work out routine and diet that is woorking for me.  Goodness sakes i've lost three inches around my waistt in thte pastt three weeks!! I'm so excited!!  Anyway, i have an awesome job, great friends and a 21st birthday tto look forward to this summer.  Not to mention beach trips and YES everyyone i'll say it now..... I"M TRYING OUT FOR AMERICAN IDOL IN AUGUST!   Now none of you can yell att me for nott doing it this year. :o)  oh oh oh... i am moving in with three of my very goodest friends in august also... soooooo prediction for august at least...........   GET WASTED (aug 11 my BIRTHDAY)..... MOVE OUT (our house in plainfield).... GET FAMOUS!!! (american idol tryouts)... see life is set! okay i'm going swimming now! 

I'm confused.

Why is it that everytime things look to be alright, something happens to make things not so good anymore.  The only problem i'm having right now is that I am going backward and not forward.  My mind tells me one thing and then my heart tells me another.  As for what most may think, no it's not about joe, but pretty much the rest of my life.  I'm so lost as to what to do.  I want to be happy, i'm trying to be happy, but happy to me is something I'm not used to.  I want to excel is what I try, but trying seems to be so damn difficult lately.  My dreams have been pushed back and the "right now" seems to be taking over.  I'm not that type of person.  I always want to look at what I want, not at what I have.... not saying i'm looking at material things, but more of success in my life.  I want to sing... my dream and passion is to sing.  Right now i'm stuck going to Shippensburg (which I absolutly HATE) going for a pre law degree.... what the fuck is that!  Yea, I might make a good lawyer, but it's not what I REEEALLY want.  What do I do?  I'm sad alot.  I'm affraid of losing people, but then again, those i lose are the ones that walk all over me and i finally grow the balls to say Fuck You! My whole life I have held on to things I cannot change and let go of the things that I can.  I can't ask people to treat me the way they would like to be, but futher more I can't expect them to feel that i'm something special to them either.  As I said earlier, i'm sad alot.  I feel i'm in a hole I can't get out of.  Relationships and I suck!  I can't find someone who wants to love me for me, most men want one thing ..... we know what that is.  I'm throwing away opprotunites because of other people and i'm not taking them due to my past proving to me that men are nothing more than cheating lying assholes.  I refuse to be hurt again, and yet I know it cannot be helped. 

So to sum up saddness to make myself sound more pathetic than I already have, and i'm sure those of you who choose to read this are probably thinking.... wow look at that pile of shit....  I am sad..... i act happy, but really I am.  I want to have fun, feel good and make something of myself.  That's it.  what is wrong with me?  grrrr